Workin' For A Livin'

This summer Number One Son has decided to go into business for himself. And when I say 'decided' I mean we suggested it to him and told him he would. But we did it in a sneaky way.

N1S is always complaining about not having any money to buy the video games he wants. He actually has the money in the bank but once it's in the bank it stays in the bank. So we suggested that he ask our neighbors if they needed someone to mow their lawn this summer.

He made a couple of posters to advertise his newly formed business and put them on the doorsteps of each house next to ours. Our bachelor neighbor next door accepted N1S's terms and employed him immediately.

N1S was pretty excited to start. His excitement quickly changed after a few passes with the mower though. He must have thought that mowing the lawn was easy after watching his dad gleefully dancing up and down the yard performing graceful and acrobatic movements with the mower, creating intricate and dazzling patterns in the lawn, transforming mere grass into works of art. Let's just say that N1S doesn't have the same appreciation for the lawnitary arts that his dad has. He found out the mower is heavy, the air is hot and our neighbor's hills are steep. He's also discovering new muscles he didn't know he had. Those are called work muscles.

But I guess I too lacked enthusiasm for the glamour and privilege of sweating away my summer days pushing a heavy, polluting vibration machine at that age. I can still feel the blister between my ring and middle fingers from pulling the start cord twenty times before flooding the motor. And then I would have to massage my sore shoulder while I waited for the mower to 'rest' until I was able to try starting it again.

In my youth, my dad taught me all the 'tricks' to use when the mower wouldn't cooperate. You had to prime the motor just enough, but not too much. Sometimes I had to take the air filter off with a screwdriver and then use the screwdriver handle to 'tap' out some of the dirt from the filter. When those things failed I would start hitting the mower with the screwdriver handle anywhere I felt the mower would feel the sting the greatest. When that didn't work, I would ram it into a tree or kick it or yell some choice words of encouragement until I exhausted myself.

Then it would usually start with one pull.

In this picture you can clearly see the character being built in N1S.

Not to be outdone was N1S's sister Sweet Pea. When she saw him making his lawn mowing posters, she immediately started to work on her entrepreneurial venture.

She wasn't very excited for mowing lawns so she decided on something more in tune with her interests.

Poor SP has yet to land a paying client. That may be due to how she takes care of her own dog. There are many days when watching iCarly takes a higher priority than a full water dish. I'm also a little suspect of her qualifications when it comes to hamster sitting. Since we've never owned a hamster, what does she think she has to do to take care of one? I suppose she would entertain a hamster for the day by staring at it and petting it. Whatever she has planned, at least her prices are reasonable.

Does anyone need their fish walked?

If I Had a Million Dollars

I'm sure everyone has done this at one time or another. Asking yourself, "What would I do if I won the lottery?"

These are my thoughts on the matter.

First of all, I would probably keep working. Not! The minute I find out I'm a winner, I'm hiring someone to work my two week notice for me. I'll be too busy spending anyway.

Now here is what my 'new occupation' will be purchasing.

I'll first mention all of the obvious purchases. Of course, I'll have to buy everyone in my family a house and a few vacation houses for us and the kids. I'll donate to Autism research, Special Olympics and the Ronald McDonald House. I'll also make sure my church has electric seat warmers and massagers installed in the pews. I might even follow through on a pledge to Public Television.

With the important stuff out of the way, here is my list of necessities brought about by my sudden windfall.

First of all, since I quit my job, I will need something to do. It may sound crazy but I would love to sit on a riding mower and listen to my Ipod. If I can get a job like Forrest Gump and mow the football field all summer, I would be in heaven. Other acceptable jobs would be Sinatra impersonator or flannel tester.

But I would also need something to waste my time in the winter. This is where my new game room would come in. It would have wall to wall video games from the 1980's. Pac Man, Frogger and anything from the Atari line. It would basically be an adult Chuck-e-Cheese with a pool table in the middle. And since I would be too busy in the game room to shovel the driveway in the winter, I would need a heated driveway. And not just warm enough to melt snow, but hot enough to get out the lawn chairs and sweat at our own driveway beach party in the middle of February. I think I would also have to hire a professional Christmas lights putter-upper.

And while were at it, I have a few more home improvements that would need to be done. Every sink in the house would have to be fitted with three knobs instead of just two. One for hot, one for cold, and one for Dr. Pepper. Better yet, each sink will have a Dr. Pepper spray nozzle in case a cup is unavailable. I want to be able to satisfy any Dr. Pepper desire at any time, anywhere in the house. That includes the shower. I would also need a full sized popcorn cart in every room with a popcorn attendant to sort out all of the old maids.

My favorite room in the house, however, would be the 'library'. A room with dark wood and shelves and shelves of books. Of course, they would have to be bound in 'genuine imitation leather'. And, of course, the library would have a Dr. Pepper fountain as it's centerpiece. Besides books and fountains, my library will have one big cushy chair next to a small table and lamp for reading. And I suppose since I would have this hoity toity library, I would have to start doing hoity toity things like pipe smoking, smoking-jacket wearing and brandy snifting. Although, my brandy snifter would probably contain a liquid curiously resembling a certain sugary carbonated beverage.

I'm sure if I ever did win the lottery, I would think up lots of other future necessities like a robot butler and personal food chewer. But I'll want to remain down-to-earth and only use the food chewer for really, really chewy foods.

So, someday, if your pharmacy is unexpectedly closed on the same day that Dr. Pepper stock goes through the roof, you'll know who has a golden ticket.