If I Had a Million Dollars

I'm sure everyone has done this at one time or another. Asking yourself, "What would I do if I won the lottery?"

These are my thoughts on the matter.

First of all, I would probably keep working. Not! The minute I find out I'm a winner, I'm hiring someone to work my two week notice for me. I'll be too busy spending anyway.

Now here is what my 'new occupation' will be purchasing.

I'll first mention all of the obvious purchases. Of course, I'll have to buy everyone in my family a house and a few vacation houses for us and the kids. I'll donate to Autism research, Special Olympics and the Ronald McDonald House. I'll also make sure my church has electric seat warmers and massagers installed in the pews. I might even follow through on a pledge to Public Television.

With the important stuff out of the way, here is my list of necessities brought about by my sudden windfall.

First of all, since I quit my job, I will need something to do. It may sound crazy but I would love to sit on a riding mower and listen to my Ipod. If I can get a job like Forrest Gump and mow the football field all summer, I would be in heaven. Other acceptable jobs would be Sinatra impersonator or flannel tester.

But I would also need something to waste my time in the winter. This is where my new game room would come in. It would have wall to wall video games from the 1980's. Pac Man, Frogger and anything from the Atari line. It would basically be an adult Chuck-e-Cheese with a pool table in the middle. And since I would be too busy in the game room to shovel the driveway in the winter, I would need a heated driveway. And not just warm enough to melt snow, but hot enough to get out the lawn chairs and sweat at our own driveway beach party in the middle of February. I think I would also have to hire a professional Christmas lights putter-upper.

And while were at it, I have a few more home improvements that would need to be done. Every sink in the house would have to be fitted with three knobs instead of just two. One for hot, one for cold, and one for Dr. Pepper. Better yet, each sink will have a Dr. Pepper spray nozzle in case a cup is unavailable. I want to be able to satisfy any Dr. Pepper desire at any time, anywhere in the house. That includes the shower. I would also need a full sized popcorn cart in every room with a popcorn attendant to sort out all of the old maids.

My favorite room in the house, however, would be the 'library'. A room with dark wood and shelves and shelves of books. Of course, they would have to be bound in 'genuine imitation leather'. And, of course, the library would have a Dr. Pepper fountain as it's centerpiece. Besides books and fountains, my library will have one big cushy chair next to a small table and lamp for reading. And I suppose since I would have this hoity toity library, I would have to start doing hoity toity things like pipe smoking, smoking-jacket wearing and brandy snifting. Although, my brandy snifter would probably contain a liquid curiously resembling a certain sugary carbonated beverage.

I'm sure if I ever did win the lottery, I would think up lots of other future necessities like a robot butler and personal food chewer. But I'll want to remain down-to-earth and only use the food chewer for really, really chewy foods.

So, someday, if your pharmacy is unexpectedly closed on the same day that Dr. Pepper stock goes through the roof, you'll know who has a golden ticket.