Is The School Haunted?

A few months ago, Lady Di was nice enough to accompany her mother to the Mayo Clinic while she underwent some tests. This required an overnight stay for Lady Di, leaving me in charge of the kids.

First thing on the list was to let the kids talk me into going out to the Chinese Buffet for supper. As we sat in our booth enjoying our sweet and sour whatevers, a dad and his son sat in the booth next to us. Number One Son said, "Don't look, but that kid is kinda strange. He goes to my school."

And any parent of an Aspergers kid will know, that the act of N1S calling someone else strange is like Twitter calling Facebook a big waste of time.

So I looked.

"That's not a nice thing to say about someone.", I answered.

"He's always acting like a dinosaur in school, but I guess he's a nice kid.", N1S amended.

Then N1S got up and went over to talk to the kid which was a nice thing to do. It was great to see him use skills he has learned in his friendship groups at school. Aspergers kids usually have difficulty interpreting social cues, which makes initiating and maintaining friendships a challenge. Perhaps a kid who acts like a dinosaur in sixth grade could also use an extra friend to say hi at the buffet.

While N1S was gone, Sweet Pea turned to me and said, "I bet that kid likes to scare people."

"I suppose that's what dinosaurs do, huh.", I concurred.

"He probably hides somewhere and jumps out to scare people.", SP offered.

"Why do you think he does that?", I queried.

"Because he's the ghost of N1S's school.", was SP's answer.

After thinking for a minute, I realized what SP meant. I then explained that N1S said that the kid goes to his school, he's not the ghost of his school.

It seems that social cues aren't the only things that get misinterpreted in our family.

What Happens at N1S's, Stays at N1S's

It's party time! That's what Lady Di announced to Number One Son last week. LD thought N1S might like to host a get together for a few of his friends on Saturday night. And by night, she meant 3pm to 7pm.

So N1S got his guest list together and invited four friends for food, fun and video games. And as far as N1S was concerned, the fun and the video games were one in the same.

With a stack of pizzas, a tote of chips and a wheel barrow of pop bottles, we seemed adequately prepared for a fun afternoon.

Lady Di set out the snacks while the pizza cooked and set out the Pokeno game for the boys. You may ask, "How can Pokeno possibly compete with the Wii Mario Cart?" The answer is, you play for money.

Now hold on! Before you call child services, we're not running a bawdy, underground gambling house for fifth graders. We just didn't have any good prizes for winning so we used pennies. We only had one boy object based on moral grounds, but he quickly changed his mind and agreed to try gambling just this once. Although, I don't know how you could call it gambling since I was the only one who provided any money. Anyway the Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew and Cheetos went a long way towards buying the boys' reticence to the gaming commission.

The boys played 'four corners, bingo and blackout' and the winner of each game would get a cup of pennies with the intention of counting up at the end of the game to see which boy had the most. Well, towards the end, one boy hadn't won a single game and therefore had an empty cup. When he made this known to the group, two of the other boys just said, "Here, you can have mine.", and dumped their winnings into his cup. Needless to say, by this time the boys were becoming much less interested in pennies and more interested in the pizza smell coming from the oven.

I don't know if we overestimated what five fifth graders could eat, or we set out too many snacks during the game, because the boys only finished off a pizza and a half before diving for the Wii remotes. That left us with about a pizza and a half left. But I won't ever complain about leftovers.

With all of the boys in the house, we didn't want Sweet Pea to feel left out, so one of N1S's guest's sister came to play with her.

They did their best at attacking the pizza too.

The rest of the party was spent playing Mario Cart and Guitar Hero and trying to see who could shout over every one else. I thought a group of fifth grade girls were loud but these boys could keep up with them any day. They were laughing, cheering, joking and each one wanted to outdo the other. And N1S was right in the middle, going along with the group. Readers to this blog will know of some of the challenges N1S has had with friendships and peer interaction. But this night couldn't have gone better. Nobody was teased. All participated. And everyone had fun.

Even though the above picture turned out blurry, it is still my favorite one. One of the most important wishes for a parent of a child with Asperger's is for their child to be included and feel like he really belongs. N1S did well in choosing his friends. I know he won't always fit in everywhere, but the times he does fit in makes my heart swell.

By 7:30pm the parents came to pick up some pretty exhausted and somewhat hoarse kids.

So if you look past the junk food, video games, belching contest and gambling, N1S and Lady Di hosted a pretty good party.

Now Sweet Pea has informed us that she is ready for her girl party.

Time to buy ear plugs.

Sonny and Share

With Valentine's Day over and the weather still cold enough to freeze your nose hairs, what is there to do now? I guess you open your kids' valentines with them and inspect (confiscate) their candy. They each got quite a few suckers, and gummies. They also got a box of hearts each from Gramma. The chalky hearts with the pithy love messages that are sometimes smeared or misprinted. I think the reason these hearts are marketed by the box is so they can sell as many as possible before people realize that they taste terrible. I don't think I've ever seen a box completely empty. Even if someone actually likes this terrible candy, there are always a few pink hearts that get thrown away with the box.

I tossed the pixie stix, taffy and poison hearts aside to evaluate the chocolate haul. Each kid got a small Hershey bar and a couple of Kisses from their classmates. I guess Valentine's Day just doesn't measure up to Halloween's chocolate collection. Luckily, Gramma, sent four fun-sized Hershey bars for each child. So I decided to play my Dad card and teach the kids a little lesson on sharing.

I pointedly asked, "I wonder who is going to be a good sharer, and share their chocolate with Dad?"
No response.
"I said, who is going to share their chocolate with DAD!"

Sweet Pea then slid her box of toxic hearts over to me and said, "You can have these, Dad. I don't even like them."

I then had to clarify, "No, I said who is going to share their chocolate with me?"

Number One Son then held out one of his bars and pulled it back when I reached for it. He laughed at me and then eventually gave me one of his chocolates.
I praised N1S for being a good sharer, hoping that Sweet Pea would notice. SP noticed and piped up, "Am I a good sharer too Dad?"

She was now set up perfectly for my Dad life lesson. "I'm sorry SP. You only shared the candy hearts that you don't even like. You have to share something you like, to be a good sharer.", I explained.

I left the room for a minute and when I returned, SP informed me, "I guess I really do like those candy hearts, but you can still have them."
That little stinker found a way to be a good sharer without giving up her chocolate. I can feel my Dad powers weakening.

On a related note, we went to the high school basketball game last night and N1S wanted to sit with one of his classmates. This is a pretty big deal for him and us. He usually doesn't show much interest in what others are doing and sometimes struggles to socialize with his peers. We also know that this is a sign that he is growing up and not our little boy anymore. But last night he made us proud. He took his popcorn with him to sit with his friend, M, and he even shared some with her. I wasn't sure if he would offer or not. Fifteen minutes later he came bounding up the bleachers toward us.

"Can I share a sucker with M?" I couldn't say no. I gave him fifty cents to buy a few suckers and he let M choose which one she wanted.

Interacting with his peers in this way may seem pretty normal for third graders to act, but N1S has had to learn the tools used in social situations. We have been trying to go to places where we feel safe to let the kids go a little and give them a little more freedom. Church and school events seem to be a good fit to let the kids grow. Plus, events like these show the kids fun things to do as a family. They are good for the school, community and us. As the kids grow, they will be comfortable participating on teams and in groups and have some pride in their school, community and themselves. It's not easy for Lady Di and myself to let the kids go. We want them to stay small and sweet forever. But when the kids experience life in such positive ways, it makes it somewhat easier to watch them grow up.

All a parent wants for their kids is for them to grow up happy and prepared to live life on their own someday. I don't want it to happen any faster than it is happening now. We have to enjoy the kids in the present, because the older they get, the faster time flies. We just have to make sure they have enough chocolate.

Second Chances

Last week Number One Son got together with our neighbor boy, who is the same age, to play. They have been playing together quite a bit lately. They get together with some other boys in the area and play war and spy games in the woods in our back yard.

They have not always got along so well. When N1S was about five or six years old, he struggled with peer play and social interaction. Couple that with clumsiness and little natural athleticism, and you can see where he might have trouble making friends. N1S has Asperger's Syndrome and still has to work at friendships. He has improved greatly, but still needs guidance on occasion.

This neighbor boy that N1S has been playing with lately, wasn't always his friend. Two or three years ago I would have described this boy as aggressive and bullying. He was into sports, guns and playing war. Back then we tried to get the boys together to play a few times. It rarely turned out well. Sometimes N1S would come home crying because of mean things said to him. He was pushed down and got things thrown at him a couple times too. N1S didn't really know how to talk with the boys without sounding weird. Most times he would go off on a tangent and the other boys would not want to bother with him. The play often started OK, then one of the boys would team up with another one and either gang up on N1S or just exclude him. There were many times N1S would come home at 3pm because the boys told him they had to go inside for supper, only to come back out a little later.

That was then, this is now. I mentioned that N1S and his friend have been playing together a lot this summer and fall. I think it has to do with both boys maturing quite a little in the last three years. N1S has also caught up a little bit in coordination. What ever it is, it has made play dates much better. N1S has learned more of the rules of their games and has also learned more of the rules of social interaction. Things still aren't perfect, but they are definitely getting better. We are now more comfortable letting N1S go on his own to find his friends and join them. This is also the first year that those boys have actually come to our house looking for N1S to play. The first time this happened our hearts just about burst out of our chests.

Just last week, N1S was playing outside with his neighbor friend I described above. After a while they both wanted to come inside to play in N1S' s room. They played Lego's a while and we invited his friend to eat supper with us. After supper, sister Sweet Pea wanted to play the board game, Sorry. She set out the game on the living room floor and we all played. Lady Di & Dad were a team against Sweet Pea, N1S and his friend. And the kids were truly playing against us. Three years ago, I would've thought that playing a board game would have been uncool to N1S's friend. But he had the most fun of all of us. I was proud of all of the kids. The game of Sorry offers a lot of chances for throwing fits of bad sportsmanship. No one threw a fit except Lady Di, when she was sent home for the tenth time while the little trio sang, "Soooooorrrrrry!".

After the game, it was time to go home. N1S said good bye to his friend. His friend said, See ya later, N1S." Just hearing a kid say that to N1S and mean it, gave me a warm feeling inside.

I think N1S earned a few points with his friend that day. N1S's friend also moved up a few points in my book. What kids do when they are young, does not necessarily mean that is who they are. It's easy to hold grudges, especially when someone wrongs your child. But kids, and adults as well, deserve second chances. Denying this will just limit everyone's friendships to a few. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe, sometimes, kids don't have to actually apologize to say they are sorry. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Maybe this was Sweet Pea's clever way of getting that apology for her brother.

You Gotta be a Football Hero.

Number One Son just finished taking a Community Ed. Football class. This class taught the basics of football. No pads, no helmets, no end zone dances. Lady Di and I were very nervous about signing him up for the class. N1S has had trouble with team sports in the past. It takes him awhile to grasp the concept of playing with teammates against another team. He usually is busy concentrating on what he is supposed to do so much that he loses sight of what the team is doing or even whose team he is on. We didn't want him to feel self conscious and we didn't want him to get teased. It's a class after school and I wouldn't be able to watch because of work.
But we took the plunge anyway in the hopes that he would learn more about the sport and maybe fit in better with his peers.

A few days before his first class, I thought it would be a good idea to get the football out and play catch. We tossed the ball back and forth trying see how many times we could catch it without dropping it. I think we got up to twelve or so.

N1S struggles a little with throwing a baseball. He isn't able to coordinate his feet to step forward as he throws. He usually has to think about which foot to step forward each time. Throwing the football is a different matter. He still has to think a little about his feet, but he can throw a tight, accurate spiral almost every time. For some reason his herky-jerky throwing style is very conducive to throwing a football. Score one for N1S.

With this success, I decided to go to the next level. I showed N1S how to run a football play. We got into a huddle. I traced the passing route on my hand for him to run. We lined up. I said 'hut' and off he ran. We ran the 'down and out' play. We ran 'the post'. We ran 'the fly'. I had to tell N1S how many steps to take before looking back for the ball. Otherwise, he would've run all the way to the neighbor's yard before looking back. Playing catch while standing still is hard enough. Now I was asking him to catch a ball while running and looking back over his shoulder. He tried very hard, but catching and running is difficult for anybody. He got a little frustrated and fell down a lot. But ,overall, it was a pretty positive day.

On the day before his football class, N1s was nervous and didn't want to go. I think he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to catch the ball well enough. It about broke my heart. We found out who his coach was going to be and, luckily, it was N1S's old gym teacher from first grade. It made a world of difference for N1S to know someone at the class.
He went to the class and was excited to go to the next one. He found out that there was a former baseball teammate in the class. He is definitely more excited about football now. He said he learned some more pass routes, and he's learned how to pass block. I know a certain 'purple' team who could use some training in that area.

His class then moved on to learning how to play as a team. He said that his team beat the other team, one touchdown to none. I said, "Great, how did you do?" He said he blocked on that play. He also said he almost scored a touchdown, but ran out of bounds. I guess the coach, who is the quarterback, faked a pass and then handed the ball to him. I would have loved to see that.

He is also learning a little football discipline. N1S said that one of the boys in his class didn't listen to the coach. Because of that, everyone had to run an extra lap around the field. "If one is punished, we all get punished.", he stated. Although, running a lap around the field may not really be punishment for a bunch of nine year boys. They are usually running everywhere anyway. I guess it's punishment if you tell them it is.

Overall, his experience was very positive. He is learning. His coordination is improving. And he is making friends and building confidence. Plus, we actually watched an entire football game together last Sunday. I'm glad that we actually had a good game to watch. He followed the play pretty well and cheered at the right time. He got excited when the Vikings did well and asked a lot of questions. There were a few times he accidentally booed at the Vikings. I think they were accidents anyway. Anyway, it was just nice to interact with him and enjoy something together. Adrian Peterson is now his favorite player.

Soccer Night

Tonight was Sweet Pea's soccer night. This afternoon was another scorcher. I'm glad Emery's soccer started at 7:30pm this time. The tight traffic leaving the soccer fields usually makes the evening a late one. But the air cooled off a bit when the sun went behind the trees and it was pleasantly comfortable. All eight of Emery teammates showed up tonight. I think it is the first time the whole team has been there since the first practice. Her team is showing signs of improving too. They are starting to spread out on the field a little. Usually, all the girls on the field collapse to the ball and follow it around the field as a group. Tonight a few of the girls hung around the group waiting for the ball to squirt out. Toward the end of the scrimmage, I think a few of the girls were spreading out because of exhaustion. They started walking toward the ball instead of running. But other than that, they all showed a lot of improvement and, as usual, had a lot of fun.

I also had a pleasant surprise from Number One Son. Those of you who know Ethan, know that he has a difficult time starting and maintaining friendships with his peers. It's hard work for him and we usually have to encourage and coach him about how to act. He usually doesn't go up to kids on his own and start playing.

Tonight, as Emery started soccer, Ethan asked if he could explore a treeline next to the soccer field. I could keep an eye on him so I said OK. A few minutes later I noticed that he was talking to two boys close to his age. This is when we usually start to feel a little nervous about how he will interact. I let him alone and watched Emery's soccer some more. A little later all three boys were intently examining something they were holding. I found out later that it was just some berries they had found in the woods. The important thing, however, was the fact that Ethan was doing something with his peers and was involved in the project. Many times he is an observer and doesn't participate. But tonight I observed him conversing with the boys and contributing to what they were doing. It felt good to not worry so much about Ethan's behavior. It made me think that he is learning and eventually he will be able to apply what he has learned towards persuing his own friendships. Later the boys found bugs, tried to start a fire banging stones together and played a small game of soccer amongst themselves.

Tonight both kids showed me how they are growing and improving. Emery is learning a team sport, improving her coordination and getting exercise. She is also making friends but that is usually easier for her. Ethan showed he could initiate a friendship and be an active participant. Tonight was a good night. These are the nights that let you know why you are a parent.

Teammates

Tonight was Ethan's last baseball game of the season. He had missed a few games due to his ear surgery but he was able to make it to his last game. He hit the ball a couple times and bounced a baseball off of his chin. He had a good last game.

It is gratifying to see a group of seven and eight year olds learn and improve during the two months of the baseball season. They actually started making a few outs in the field instead of filling their gloves with dirt. At the beginning of the season, one of our players confided to me that his favorite part about baseball is the snack after the game. It's also uplifting to see them become a team. They actually cheered for each other at games and asked about their teammates when they were missing.

Coach Adam and Coach Eric did a great job and all three of us feel privileged to have had such an enthusiastic team to coach.

I've mentioned before that this league doesn't keep score and everyone bats each inning. Competition is downplayed but individual effort is encouraged. Helping and congratulating each other were the most important goals that we achieved this season.

As a Dad, all you want for your child is for them to succeed and have self confidence to try things. Ethan's baseball skills improved, but his social interaction skills took a big jump forward this season. Having two way conversations with his peers is a daily learning struggle for him. Ethan was able to form friendships with multiple teammates and he missed them when he was unable to play. This years' baseball team was great mix of kids with different personalities. The whole team fit together well and everyone felt included as a team.

Next year, Ethan will move up to the next level of competition if he decides he wants to play baseball. He says he is ready to practice with me for the rest of the summer for next year. I hope we can find enough summer left to squeeze in swimming, golf, and fishing too. I also hope next year's league has snacks.