A Juggling Act

An interesting development has surfaced recently and I'm not quite sure how to interpret it.

As most of you know, Number One Son and Sweet Pea both were rewarded with parts in the upcoming children's theatre production of Willy Wonka Jr. This means they both get to practice every week with kids they don't normally hang out with.

In N1S's case, with his experience in past plays, he has formed a few really good friendships and looks forward to renewing them every time they get together for a performance.

Many of you also know that N1S's Asperger's has required him to work very hard at making friends. Asperger people take things very literally and have to learn many interpersonal skills in order to not annoy people. Non-verbal cues that we recognize naturally, like eye rolling, sarcasm and subtle facial expressions, need to be taught to a person with Asperger's. Even with instruction and practice, many Asperger's people only maintain a few good friendships at a time. In many cases, it's just too much work to have to decipher social cues from a large group of friends. More often than not, Asperger's kids are usually not in the 'most popular' group.

Which leads us to our interesting development. As I said before, play practice has started which allows N1S to renew some old acquaintances. One friend he has from past performances is a girl three years his senior. "G1" is very outgoing and greets everyone with a loud hug. N1S seems to be her favorite though and always goes out of her way to say hello or goodbye. Three performances ago, he informed us that G1 was his girlfriend.

His second close theater friend is "G2". She has shared the spotlight with him for three productions and is cute as a button with a great singing voice. Well, apparently, at the last practice, N1S was passing notes back and forth with G2. Lady Di and I instantly grew rabbit ears and tuned in to N1S's story.

LD asked first, "Where are the notes?". She wanted to gather the evidence.

"G2 has it. We just passed the same piece of paper back and forth. Like texting, only with paper.", he very accurately answered.

"Well, what did you guys write?", I inquired, trying not to sound too eager, or too calm, or too get-on-with-the-details, boy!

"She wrote that she would like me for a boyfriend and I answered that I would want her for a girlfriend.", was his matter of fact answer. I think LD and I sucked all of the air from the room with our gasps. I am so glad he is still at an age where he tells us everything. N1S, however, thought it was no big deal. Like having girls fawning all over him is a daily occurance.

After that he asked me if he was too young for a girlfriend. I made myself pause for a second before non-chalantly telling him that he probably was too young, but they could still hang out. What I wanted to say was, "Are you kidding? You're eleven! You can't have a girlfriend for thirteen more years!"

We got another jolt a few days later when G2 invited N1S to the movies with her. LD could barely hold the phone in her shaking hand until G2's parents got on the line and said the whole family would like him to come. Knowing that Mom, Dad and G2's little brother were going too, calmed us down considerably.

All kidding aside, LD and I weren't really that worked up. We know N1S and G2 are good friends we're just going to continue to let them be good friends.

But the next day we did get worked up. N1S got a phone call at home from yet another girl from school, "G3". G3 left a couple of messages telling N1S to call her back because she was waiting for him to call and too hurry up with it. LD and I know absolutely nothing about G3. But N1S sure knows about her. We found out she is in N1S's social studies class and he even wrote her phone number in his planner.

I'm starting to think that maybe all those 'social friendship exercises' N1S has worked at over the years were just code words for 'How to be a Fonzie' classes. I wish I could say that I have some pointers for him about girls when the time comes, but juggling three girlfriends at a time is way out of my league. I'm going to have to find a Happy Days DVD collection to get caught up. Lesson number one, buy leather jacket.

Don't Forget To Breath

Last weekend we discovered an unlikely teaching tool for our kids. As you know, Number One Son has Asperger's and must learn most social cues and rules. This aspect of Asperger's can often make Aspies easy targets for bullies. Luckily, we have only had a few minor instances in which N1S was able to learn from a run in with a bully.

This weekend we rented a movie that does a good job illustrating what works and what doesn't when dealing with bullies. We rented The Karate Kid. For those who aren't familiar, The Karate Kid is a story about a youth that moves to California, gets picked on by the karate club in town, learns to 'paint a fence' and earns respect from the bullies by winning the karate tournament. Sorry for the spoiler but the movie is over twenty years old.

Movies like this are just right for our 6 and 10 year olds. It has a little adult language but only enough to remind our kids of what words we don't use. This movie is also good in that it clearly defines the bullies from the good guys. This distinction is often difficult for Aspies to work out for themselves in the real world. So we used this story to illustrate what happens when certain choices are made. N1S figured out most of the subtleties of the characters, but he still needed a little bit of direction at times. Like when Danny's girlfriend was mad at him. N1S asked me why she was mad. I safely deferred to Lady Di for the answer.

When Danny gets baited into a fight with the stronger and more experienced karate gang, it ends poorly for Danny. Some situations are good to walk away from. Later, when Danny sees an opportunity to play a joke on the head bully in the bathroom, he chooses to spray him with a hose. Again, it ends poorly for Danny.

However, we don't want N1S to look for every opportunity to walk away. We want him to recognize the signs of trouble brewing and not get baited into making bad choices.

The movie also illustrates the good choices Danny made. Such as not letting the bullies affect his relationships with others. He didn't let the bullies turn him into one of them. It also showed how Danny chose to do something about his situation and not just give up. He worked hard and trained and eventually earned the respect from the bullies.

This was a movie I enjoyed when I was in high school. The kids were amazed that I had actually seen this in the theatre.

The fun part about this movie is that we can now reference it to many other teaching situations. Now when I want the kids to do something, all I have to do is use my gruff, limited English, Mr Miyagi voice.

"N1S-san! Show me 'practice piano!'" "Breath in through nose, out through mouth."

"Sweet Pea-san!" Show me 'clean room!'" And then she answers, "Most important. Don't forget to breath."

Kidding aside, The Karate Kid is a pretty good movie to teach simple lessons about social interactions. Even though real life is one hundred times more complex, N1S will still need to be introduced to as many social situations as possible to learn the tools needed to make correct choices. Movies that involve good guys and bad guys are a safe way to instruct without N1S actually encountering a real bully. Don't miss an opportunity to plant the seed of learning.

We will have to search the 'Oldies' section of our video store again for another blast from the past that may help through another social situation. Maybe we can rent Teen Wolf for next time to learn how to react when our changing bodies grow fur and fangs. Any other suggestions from the eighties?

So now my kids, hopefully, will 'paint the fence', 'sand the floor' , 'wax on, wax off', and 'vacuum the carpet' without question, thinking that I may just be training them for the next big karate tournament.

Self Help for Dads

Becoming a Dad was the single most life changing event in my life. Graduating college, buying my first home and even getting married have had less impact on who I am than welcoming my children into the world. Before, in my life, I lived for myself. My goals were directed for my best interest. I was only responsible for myself. I had to start considering someone else when I got married, but my choices basically involved the best outcome for us as one couple.

The day our son arrived, ten years ago, was the day I started living for another. I now had someone completely dependent upon me and my choices. From then on, choices I made for myself may have not always been the best choices for my son. I had now been changed to a different person. Or better yet, I had been improved into a better person.

Being a Dad for the first time involved a lot of on the job training. Our son taught me how to feed, bathe and change a baby. As he grew, he presented more tests and challenges for me. He dared me to keep in shape by chasing him around the house. He tested my patience endlessly and taught me to anticipate how messy a situation could become based on my choices of food. When he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at two and half years old, I experienced a complete attitude overhaul. Asperger's is a form of Autism that causes kids to struggle with social cues, peer relationships and certain sensory challenges.

This diagnosis changed the way I thought of my son. But don't misunderstand me, I didn't change any important goals I had for him. I still expected him to be successful and give his best effort. I still wanted him to live up to his full potential. He was still the great, loving miracle we always had. The only thing that changed was how I saw myself as his Dad. I still gave him tools to accomplish his goals, I just had to learn how to use a different set of tools. I was required to see things from his perspective and adjust my parenting accordingly.

When our son turned four years old, I was comfortable in my abilities and talents to bring up a happy, successful son.

Then his sister came into the picture. She lived by a completely different playbook from her brother. Where he was a good sleeper and napper, she was up all day and night. Things that worked well for him, she would have none of. My confidence as a parent dropped to zero. Time for another learning curve.

My daughter started her Dad lessons almost immediately. Our son must have known early on that I was new to Daddying, in that he was much more patient and content with my efforts. My daughter knew that I had had four years to get ready for her and she wasn't going to wait a second longer for anything she needed. Time get a bigger toolbox.

I continued my parenting school through the next few years. My son was attending grade school and my daughter was in preschool. I had to learn how much freedom and independence to give them and balance it with the right amount of protection. I had to learn not to compare and measure my kids against other kids their age. I am not in competition with other Dads. My kids are competing against themselves. And I am there to support them and be their biggest cheerleader.

Right now, my kids are my investment in myself. It's like I went to the self-improvement section of the bookstore and came out with two self-help aids. In order to get the most out of them, I have to learn how to use them correctly. Luckily, part of their job is to teach their operators how to handle them. Just let them teach you. A Dad has to get down on their level and see the world from their perspective. Only then can he truly understand what it means to be a Dad. My toolbox is constantly being revised. New tools added and old ones retired. Dad training is lifelong and gruelling. But a more rewarding upgrade, you will never find.

Bowling With Friends

Last Sunday, we celebrated Autism Awareness Month with a bowling/pizza party at the local lanes. Lady Di coordinates an autism support group in our area. Meetings usually are attended by eight or nine families at a time to discuss autism, asperger's and various successes and challenges.

So the group went bowling. We had five families show up for bowling and pizza. A couple of the lanes employed the bumpers. That is one advantage of bowling with young children. Our bumpers got a pretty good workout. I think the kids even bounced a ball or two off of them.

Both kids love to go bowling. Number One Son was a little frustrated with his second game, but he still had fun visiting with a few of his friends.

Sweet Pea had fun every time she threw the ball down the lane. When she didn't knock down very many pins, she would put on a dramatic face and slouch back to her seat before laughing. When she got a spare or strike, her two fists would rocket into the air with a "WoooWhooo!" as she skipped or danced back to her seat. She also invented a different to way to high five after a good frame. She would put her palms together and we would slap the backs of our hands back and forth three times.

After the first game, I let the kids bowl a few of my frames while I hung out at the pizza and root beer table.

I could tell that the kids had fun, because it was hard to get them to leave when we were done. It was nice to get together with families that face some of the same challenges that we do in day to day life. For some with autism or asperger's, the noise or the smells of a bowling alley would be too much of a sensory overload. Our group, however, had no problems and since Minnesota is smoke free in public areas, bowling alleys are now much better for people with sensory issues.

An added benefit to the outing was showing the public that having autism or asperger's doesn't mean being unable to enjoy normal activities as a family. Many times families struggle with prejudice and embarrassment when kids act up in public. But autistic kids are no different than other kids in that respect. You, as a parent, learn what situations to avoid, and our children learn how to cope with sensory and social challenges. How else will they learn how to behave if they never get the chance to be in a social situation?

So, next time you are at a restaurant, or grocery store or bowling alley, and some one's kid is having a meltdown, autism or not, don't think of it as your evening being ruined. Think of it as a child who had too much to handle this time, but will probably do better next time.

Second Chances

Last week Number One Son got together with our neighbor boy, who is the same age, to play. They have been playing together quite a bit lately. They get together with some other boys in the area and play war and spy games in the woods in our back yard.

They have not always got along so well. When N1S was about five or six years old, he struggled with peer play and social interaction. Couple that with clumsiness and little natural athleticism, and you can see where he might have trouble making friends. N1S has Asperger's Syndrome and still has to work at friendships. He has improved greatly, but still needs guidance on occasion.

This neighbor boy that N1S has been playing with lately, wasn't always his friend. Two or three years ago I would have described this boy as aggressive and bullying. He was into sports, guns and playing war. Back then we tried to get the boys together to play a few times. It rarely turned out well. Sometimes N1S would come home crying because of mean things said to him. He was pushed down and got things thrown at him a couple times too. N1S didn't really know how to talk with the boys without sounding weird. Most times he would go off on a tangent and the other boys would not want to bother with him. The play often started OK, then one of the boys would team up with another one and either gang up on N1S or just exclude him. There were many times N1S would come home at 3pm because the boys told him they had to go inside for supper, only to come back out a little later.

That was then, this is now. I mentioned that N1S and his friend have been playing together a lot this summer and fall. I think it has to do with both boys maturing quite a little in the last three years. N1S has also caught up a little bit in coordination. What ever it is, it has made play dates much better. N1S has learned more of the rules of their games and has also learned more of the rules of social interaction. Things still aren't perfect, but they are definitely getting better. We are now more comfortable letting N1S go on his own to find his friends and join them. This is also the first year that those boys have actually come to our house looking for N1S to play. The first time this happened our hearts just about burst out of our chests.

Just last week, N1S was playing outside with his neighbor friend I described above. After a while they both wanted to come inside to play in N1S' s room. They played Lego's a while and we invited his friend to eat supper with us. After supper, sister Sweet Pea wanted to play the board game, Sorry. She set out the game on the living room floor and we all played. Lady Di & Dad were a team against Sweet Pea, N1S and his friend. And the kids were truly playing against us. Three years ago, I would've thought that playing a board game would have been uncool to N1S's friend. But he had the most fun of all of us. I was proud of all of the kids. The game of Sorry offers a lot of chances for throwing fits of bad sportsmanship. No one threw a fit except Lady Di, when she was sent home for the tenth time while the little trio sang, "Soooooorrrrrry!".

After the game, it was time to go home. N1S said good bye to his friend. His friend said, See ya later, N1S." Just hearing a kid say that to N1S and mean it, gave me a warm feeling inside.

I think N1S earned a few points with his friend that day. N1S's friend also moved up a few points in my book. What kids do when they are young, does not necessarily mean that is who they are. It's easy to hold grudges, especially when someone wrongs your child. But kids, and adults as well, deserve second chances. Denying this will just limit everyone's friendships to a few. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe, sometimes, kids don't have to actually apologize to say they are sorry. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Maybe this was Sweet Pea's clever way of getting that apology for her brother.

The Negotiator

We had some good news from school this week. On Friday, the mailbox had a postcard addressed to Number One Son. It was a CBG from his school. This was not a recruiting letter from Russian intelligence. A CBG is a 'Caught Being Good' notice. When a student is observed doing the right thing in a difficult situation at school, the witnessing teacher rewards the student with a CBG.

Number One Son's situation happened on the playground during recess. While playing a game, a bunch of kids were arguing with one boy. The teacher said that N1S was trying really hard to convince all of the kids to stop arguing and continue playing. He was then very consoling to the one boy who was ganged up on. The teacher said N1S showed a lot of empathy for the boy. Empathy is one thing we are constantly working on with N1S. We were very proud of him. Kids with Asperger's very often have trouble recognizing an other's point of view. For the last five years, N1S has been slowly improving his ability to recognize social cues to choose appropriate responses. He also has been having improved interactions with some neighborhood boys his age. He no longer is hesitant about initiating play, but he actually takes part and enjoys the games they play together. A couple years ago, these same boys would just walk away when N1S would say something off the mark or play in an unorthodox way. We now feel comfortable letting him go off and join in the group on his own. He still needs a little 'pre-play coaching' once in a while, but it is considerably less than before.

The CBG notice from school was definitely a high point of the week for N1S and us. It says that something is going right in his world. I hope we have a little something to do with that. I know that he deserves most of the credit for his effort. Maybe this will be the first of a long line of CBG's. Even if it isn't, we know that he is working hard and doing his best.

We showed N1S his CBG and asked him for his view of how he handled the situation. He said he saw all of the kids fighting and he told them to stop. He said, "Guys, if you don't stop arguing, you'll lose all of your play time." Very logical. I'm not sure if his empathy was for a friend or for wasting play time.

Either way, we are pleased with N1S's choice of action.

The Break Up

Our kids amaze me daily. Tonight, Ethan and Emery received a call from their cousin Sara. Sara lives in the south-east metro area but still makes the drive all the way here a few times a year just to see the kids. About a year ago, Sara and then-boyfriend Jake came to visit. They played with the kids and brought gifts and had a nice weekend.
When Ethan got on the phone tonight, the first thing he said was, "Hi Sara. I have a question for you." He then said, "How's Jake doing?". Then came, "You know, Jake, your boyfriend." And then, "You broke up? Why, what happened?"
You may be asking yourself, "When is the amazing part?" Well, I am always amazed when Ethan makes a small step forward with interpersonal interactions. Ethan's Asperger's Syndrome constantly affects his conversing with people. In the past, Ethan would have only talked about his interests, or if someone would change the subject, he would try to steer the conversation back to his topic. If he would have heard of his cousin's break-up then, he would have probably said, "Oh,.... did you know that I have 4 light sabers?"
Ethan has made great progress with some wonderful teachers and therapists. They work on empathy and trying to know what the other person is feeling. These are two things that Asperger's kids need to study and learn. We still have to work on which topics are OK to talk about and which ones may be social awkward or offensive. But, just to hear him carry on a conversation with someone, about their interests and actually wanting to know more about them, is an exciting accomplishment.
Our daughter, Emery, has no problem with conversation. The only challenge with her is getting a word in edgewise. When Ethan was done, it was Emery's turn to talk. The first thing she asked Sara was, "Did you and Jake break up?", from listening to Ethan's conversation. Then Emery said, "I remember when you and Jake were here and he gave me two dollars."

Amazingly subtle, isn't she?